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1 posts from March 2016

March 07, 2016

When employees are stuck in the pain of the past, how do we support them to move on?


You know… 

When you have an employee that has confided in you about something painful that they haven’t yet shared with their boss. 

And they don’t want you to raise the issue either. 

But they want to know what they should do? 

So you start by just giving them empathy, because without it, nothing is going to happen. 

You acknowledge their experience as fully as you can. 

You imagine and intuit, (to paraphrase Daniel Pink’s definition of empathy) what it is that they are feeling. 

This has a calming effect. 

As the truth of their subjective emotional experience is acknowledged - without defensiveness and without justification - they can relax and let their guard down. 

So now they are somewhat open. 

But be careful. 

If you invalidate they will close up again. 

As long as they are open you can attend to their original question. 

This takes great patience. 

To take the time necessary to hear out someone who is upset before attending to their request for your advice. 

Remember their question. 

What they should do to address the painful situation with their boss? 

Yours was how to get them to move on when they are stuck? 

You know to start with theirs. 

And of course you hope they get that they have a choice to communicate directly or not, (because often, until they do communicate, like in this situation, their boss has no idea of their grievance!) 

They may give you a quizzical light-bulb look and say something like, 

“You are right, I suppose we have to talk!” 

So they talk. 

And let’s say they resolve their issues in a manner of speaking. 

But when the employee comes back next month you know they didn’t really. 

And of course, now it’s much worse. 

So you read them the riot act!!! 


You start with empathy. 

You listen.

You acknowledge. 

You reflect back feelings and needs. 

And when they say, 

“So I tried talking . . . you see nothing helps . . . What should I do now?” 

You tell them they have a choice. 

That they can continue to pursue the resolution of their difference through external communication practices and even possibly with the support of you as a mediator. 

But that there is another choice. 

It is one of two ways that people are able to move on from the pain of the past. 

One is through true deep emotional acknowledgement of the truth of their experience by the other person. 

It may include a sincere apology. 

When this happens the transformation within a particular relationship can be profound. 

But when there is no acknowledgment, most humans get stuck. 

It is hard, when we have been hurt by another, with whom you are in relationship and they don’t acknowledge the truth of the impact of their behavior, notwithstanding their intent. 

Even mediation as a process that supports the resolution of conflict, has limits. 

It is no panacea. 

So what about that other way? 

I call it the internal path of conflict resolution. 

It is also known as the path of forgiveness. 

When we forgive, we let go of resentments. 

We don't need an apology. 

At its essence, as my friend and colleague Eileen Barker suggests, forgiveness is a decision to let go of the past and to tell a new story about what occurred. 

Paradoxically we grow from our inner inquiry. 

But how? 

One of the leading pioneers in research into forgiveness is Stanford’s Fred Luskin. 

He points out, that when we forgive, we invert the grievance process. 

When we grieve we take it personally and blame others for how we are feeling. 

We tell ourselves a story in which we are the victim. 

We hold them accountable for our peace of mind. 

When we forgive, we undo this grievance process. 

Instead of taking things personally, we recognize that things happen. 

But that these things are seldom as problematic as our own reaction. 

So when we forgive, we take responsibility for our own feelings. 

We learn our lessons and we retell our story, no longer as a victim, but as a navigator with a deeper understanding of the significance of the event to our lives. 

Remember, the questions. 

Yours was how to get them to move on when they are stuck? 

Theirs: What they should do to address the painful situation with their boss? 

Forgiveness is one of two ways we move on. 

The other is through heartfelt acknowledgement of emotional truth through communication with the other if necessary with the support of you as a mediator. 

Seems like the same answer works for both questions. 

What do you think?